Cheeky mare

I am dozing in a comfy nest of weeds by the myriad of recycling containers (why so many are needed is quite unfathomable to me) as the Chief Minion returns home. Her eyes light up as she sees me lolling in the grass and she bends to stroke my head and give my ears a ruffle. I follow her into the house and watch with interest as she unpacks her shopping. Things are put away in the cold cupboard and then she holds aloft a packet or sachet of food. It's new she tells me, marketed as "cheeky chunks in gravy". The contents are decanted into my special bowl and served. I creep towards it, uncertain. The aroma is meaty, i sniff the air, breathing in the piquant scent of....now, let me think....yes.... It is pterodactyl in some sort of sauce. I edge closer to the bowl, my neck extended about three inches longer than usual as I approach this diversion from the standard menu with caution. I look at the offering - the chunks are in uniform cubes, obviously formed by a machine, not like the usual food I have which is presented in delicious meaty strips, coated in a broth mixed with wild rice. I sit and look at the Chief Minion. She's got to be joking - I can't eat this inferior slop. I stalk away in disgust and vent my displeasure on the corner of the sofa, my claws rasping through the pile on the fabric, so satisfying.

Later, when she is putting the pterodactyls to bed I slope into the kitchen hoping that something else has materialised from the cupboard of delights. No such luck. I watch as she coaxes Marni and Esther into the run - I quickly lick all the gravy from the chunks of meat and dash back to the pouffe to lie down. I hope for the posh nosh in the morning.

Caught unawares

I am basking in the late afternoon sunshine sprawled across the bench in the front garden. I often lie here and wait for the Chief Minion to return home ready to start her duties, these are many but one of the most important is feeding me my tea. High tea is richly anticipated, I mostly start asking to be served my meal before she has even had time to remove her coat. I let out small plaintive mews, winding my body around her legs, my tail bent into the feline greeting shaped like a walking stick at the top. The mewing slowly becomes louder the longer she takes, each meow sounding more pitiful than the last as I paw at the cupboard of delights until the tasty meal is served on my dining table.

Tonight something is different. Food is not forthcoming.

I ponder on this turn of events as I stare through the patio doors at the two remaining pterodactyls.

Suddenly I am grabbed from behind, my chest is squeezed forcing the air in my lungs to be expelled with a sigh. I quickly appraise the situation – I am being carried towards the basket that was left in the corner of the room after Gloria’s mysterious disappearance. I immediately unsheathe my claws and make like a surf board – my whole body rigid and unyielding. Much wrestling ensues; unkind words are said on both sides until she manages to pin my front paws together and shove me unceremoniously head first into the plastic basket. She quickly fastens the grill on the front with a triumphant look on her face before inspecting her arms and hands for bleeding wounds. She then says the dreaded words that sometimes turn my bowels to water – we are going to the V-E-T. My basket is bundled into the car and we set off. I am not happy. I let out long protracted howls, each one getting longer as I take deeper breaths to vent my displeasure. The Chief Minion is looking all red and sweaty – seems to me that she should be seeking medical advice for herself rather than inflicting it on me. I push at the grill with my forehead, the four catches bend and strain but hold fast – there is no escape. We arrive and we enter the waiting room which smells of wee and disinfectant. The Chief Minion sits down and turns the basket to face her. She looks at me lovingly and pokes her fingers through the mesh to stroke my chin, I stare back malevolently, carefully biding my time before sinking my one remaining top fang into her index finger causing her to retract her digit sharply, cursing me. That’ll teach her. The door slowly opens and I hear my name being called. Maximus Maxipuss, you can go in now…